I am stuck. Yet my mind and heart are racing I have so much to say, but there is no one to talk to because this one is sick, and that one, too, and this one just lost her spouse, and that one her only child and I am just mired in my thoughts and my fears and they may not even be real but they are real to me and they seem unsolvable and I am tired and agitated and this is not me not who I want to be.

Anxiety is no joke.

Anxiety is for real.

No matter how you might experience it.

I had a rough week. I know, it happens. I’ll give you just the outline. Last weekend was really pleasant. My mom came up to watch the kids so that I could attend a bridal shower. She hung out here for a bit, got her new kitten Smitty on Sunday. Adorable cuteness! So my weekend was nice.

But come Monday morning, I was all agitated and overwhelmed. The kids and I had no school on Monday for Presidents’ Day. Rhianna went to a friends’ house for a few hours. James and I went  grocery shopping; I made dinner. But I felt “off” all day. And that feeling lasted throughout the week. Ugh. Last month, just before my monthly cycle, I experienced PMS at its finest. Needless to say, I was very aware of my cycle this month, lest godzilla surface again. I thought I handled it this time, but with my period seemed to also come loss of patience, agitation, and overwhelm.

Female hormones are powerful stuff, true. But, if I’m honest, I have a heap of emotional junk on my plate right now, so thick and sticky it is tough to keep from being bogged down in that tar. My dad is failing, and his sweet wife is at the end of her rope, still grieving the death of her only child just one year ago. She is trying to be business owner, sole breadwinner, and caregiver. Superwoman, in other words. She is going to bust.

My mom is struggling in her own way, too. Missing her husband who passed suddenly this summer. Being far from her family.

My boyfriend is in the not-quite-started stages of cancer treatment.

And I am slogging through the divorce from hell. Getting frustrated over unanswered emails to my lawyer. And forever I am ruminating over what my right path is. My sewing business is slow, my energy is low, and I end up taking out my darkness on my kids because my patience cup is empty.

Most of the time, I can juggle it all. The financial stress, single parenthood, and the demons of low self-confidence. I can usually be strong and smiling for my family as I ignore the fright that plagues me when I think about it all.

But then, sometimes I can’t.

Sometimes the reality of it all heaps up all at one time, it seems. Too generalized for me to deal with specifically. The bad feelings linger, in an undefined way. Making me exhausted, impatient, and angry.

So. What to do. What to do. I inhale deeply. I count my blessings, and I talk to myself. A lot. But last week that didn’t seem to be enough. So, now. On top of the overwhelming anxiety that has been hanging around, throw on guilt that I have been less than great as a mom lately. Oh, sure. My kids can be nudges; I will admit that. But I am supposed to be their beacon, right? I am supposed to model kindness, patience and problem-solving. Well, hell if I did everything but that last week.

I want a do-over.

Lucky for me. God grants me another opportunity to get it right every new day that I wake up. A do-over. 🙂

I happened to come across a post in my Facebook feed last week for an Anxiety Challenge. I clicked through the link, and I found myself reading something that piqued my interest. Liz, who blogs over at Love and Marriage, offered some really feasible ways to combat stress and anxiety. (Go for a mani-pedi? Treat myself to a wine-tasting event? Not on my budget!) And, you know what, I’m doing it! I’m up for the Anxiety Challenge. Both my counselor and my mom have been encouraging me — for YEARS — to take care of myself, to somehow find a way, any way, to recharge. I actually suck at that. Do I feel like I don’t deserve it? There are too many other priorities to accomplish? I have no idea. But this is a nice list that I can go through and check off.

Liz offers suggestions such as:

Spend 20 minutes outside.

and …

Snuggle an animal.

and …

Do something you are good at.

I foresee checking items off this list not in any particular order. Well, probably the happiness challenge will be last, just as she has it on her list. So, here I go! I’ll keep you posted on how the 21 Day Anxiety Challenge goes for me. Thank you, Liz! This may be just what I need!

Who’s in? Check back in and comment to let me know how its going for you, too! <3