Life has hit me hard, folks, and these last twelve months were so difficult for me. Would you have known? I keep smiling. I keep being positive. I keep my “cheerleader” disposition, as my mom would say. But, yes, it has been rough. I experienced deaths, a divorce, a move, (ongoing) home renovation … all while trying to survive the everyday trials of a mom with two small kids, a full-time job, and a side gig. My plates are all balanced with precision in the air. Don’t anybody breathe.
I am a warrior. A damned determined individual, and I will survive. I have wonderful family, friends and co-workers (not to mention my personal therapist) who help me realize my worth and help keep me grounded every day. On this journey over the past year I have come to realize several things about myself. They are good! I am doing it. Here they are.
- I feel peaceful in my home.
It took years for my divorce to be finalized. During this process I made the decision to pursue ownership of our home. My family’s home. The home I had always known since I could remember. One of the hardest moments I ever experienced was moving out a few years prior, away from an emotionally abusive husband, and into an apartment when things got unbearably bad for me and my children. I literally had PTSD symptoms when I would drive back “home” to pick up my kids. Although I knew I wanted nothing more than to be back here, deep down I always wondered if I would ever feel truly at peace.
It has been a journey — one involving cathartic pitching of stuff, and cleaning. And painting and new flooring. And I still have a long way to go. But. It is MY home. And I feel at peace here.
2. I am rekindling my homemaking spark.
Years ago, I used to read a blog that featured regular “make your home a haven” posts. I *loved* them. The idea of cozying up our living space to make it more “homey” was something I thrived on. In the turmoil of several moves over the past few years, and the guilt I feel in uprooting my kids, I felt lost in making anyplace “home” for my family. Oh, yes. I honestly did my best in my apartments, and I think I did a damn good job. But now I am in my forever home. And despite the guilt and pain and some fear surrounding this shared child custody arrangement, I am confident in making my home a haven, a soft landing spot, for all my children. No matter how old they are or how far they may someday roam.
3. My kids are my number one.
Well, duh. I you had asked me, I would have told you my children are my number one priority beginning on April 25, 1992 when my oldest was born, and continuing on until forever. But something feels different lately. My guess is that experiencing more than a handful of deaths of people close to me in a very short period of time makes me realize that this is no joke. Life is short, and there is nothing I love more in this world than my children. I want to soak up every minute of them. I want to be available to them. I find myself trying to listen better, and to make time; to play with them and to support them in their studies and activities. I am so humbled by and grateful for the beautiful relationship I have with my grown daughter. And I hope for the same with my younger two. So guess what. This means that I need to say “No” to some things and to some people. And that is just all okay.
4. The beauty of nature inspires me more than ever.
I have always loved nature and the outdoors. I feel connected and peaceful when I am outside. I love the ocean, and sunrises, and garden dirt and trees. But now I find myself saying a prayer when I see something as breathtaking as this waterfall. I smile and think of my boyfriend when I feel early morning coolness. I say hello to my dad when I see the moon. And every morning when the sun rises I sit or stand at my kitchen window and remind myself how absolutely lucky I am to get another day. I will never again take the days for granted. I will live in them, and be grateful that God has afforded me yet more time on this earth.
5. I can make decisions for myself and not self-destruct.
This last one is huge. It has been a long time coming, nor has it been easy by any means. What was my problem — Deep rooted self-esteem issues? Wanting to please everyone? Avoiding conflict at all cost? Whatever my demons, I am learning to make my own decisions based on what is best for me. Whoa. Big stuff. And because my kids my priority, my decisions are filtered through that value also. It is so freeing to think something through, based on my value system, and come up with the best plan. Sometimes this is agonizing — like when I chose to turn down a Latin teaching position for this school year. So hard. This was my dream job (so I thought), until I realized that I am not ready to shift gears in my life. Because I had reasons that were important enough to me, that made sense when filtered through my value system. And — here’s the best part — I didn’t self-destruct. Instead, I felt confident and peaceful that I made the right choice. I can tell you that hasn’t happened too often in my life. I am really loving this new skill I have been perfecting. Boo-yah!